Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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