Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
one might say we're banned from that church
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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