she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
