Apparently you make a good broom.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
