overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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