saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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