that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
