Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
