He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
