I don't usually arrange sex via text message
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
