What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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