DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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