I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
