life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
don't judge my taste in strippers
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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