Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
