i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
