I must be too annoying 4 u.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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