Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
