Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
