i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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