Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize