So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize