You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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