I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
