It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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