I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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