Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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