and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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