FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
