Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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