nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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