Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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