he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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