Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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