Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
