I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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