what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
