They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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