just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
babies were throwing up all over the place
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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