So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
