I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
