my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
