my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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