Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
