upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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