im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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