i just sent this text using only my big toe
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
