I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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