You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Randomize
