New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
