I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
do herpes really smell.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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