you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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