I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
