nut hugger
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
