I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Randomize
