1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
