How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
