Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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