Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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