just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
