i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
